Getting hog-wild at the Cafe!
Hey there, uFam! Lend me those peepers because I’ve got the scoop on something you’re gonna want to hear! So imagine you’re me for a second: first and foremost I’d like to say you look stunning now, not that you didn’t look good before, but now…
Ahem. Pardon me. Where was I? Ah yes, the scoop of the century! This morning I was taking a stroll to the cafe to get myself some delicious breakfast. What was I going to eat? A waffle, a classic full English or maybe just some fresh oatmeal? The options are endless! Imagine my horror when I walked in and saw a line of students going into the hallway all wanting to get their grubby hands on my breakfast! I checked my phone to see if I had time before my 9 a.m. class to wait for them to get their food. 8:47. I dropped to my knees, tears welling up in my eyes. The vision of a happy little guy giggling while scarfing down eggs and crispy hashbrowns while spitting all over himself vanished and was replaced with despair. As I lay in a fetal position on the ground, I accepted my dream was dead and my day was ruined.
Just as I had lost all hope, someone walked up to me. Like an oasis appearing to a man dying in the desert, she appeared before me. Denise Serack. “Why do you weep, child?” She said with the voice of an angel. “Humgry,” I babbled as one of my teeth clattered to the floor. She retrieved the rotted tooth from the ground and placed it back into my mouth from whence it fell. She gently picked me up by my head, careful not to press my soft spot that never went away. She handed me a pamphlet and carried on like the morning breeze. I looked down at the paper in my hand. and what I read nearly brought me to tears.
The cafe would be installing a new form of eating apparatuses that would make lines a thing of the past. Several long bucket-like structures would replace the booths and tables and would be filled with the most delicious of foods. Rather than having to wait in line, wasting precious time, students could simply visit the eating apparatuses, get on all fours and eat whatever they saw fit. The best part was that hands were optional! Just stick your face right in and chow down. I could see it now, running to the cafe, throwing my backpack aside and dropping to the ground where I’d begin to slop on some grub! Drooling, snorting and giggling with my hypothetical friends!
I hope you’re ready to squeal with joy seeing the new and improved cafe! If anyone has negative thoughts about this change, ignore them and don’t let those wrong opinions in, not by the hair of your chinny chin chin!
By Mason Piva