Keeping it green(house gas)
Top of the morning U-Fam! Mason here after a brief extended hiatus to give you what you’ve all been clamoring for, another hilarious article written by yours truly. I hope you all had a great time away from school and I’m sure you’re all happy to be getting exams sooner in the semester than you thought possible. One thing I didn’t get to enjoy while home was a nice white Christmas, but thanks to horrific Nebraska weather patterns, I got more than my share of snow in the last couple of weeks!
As we all experienced, Lincoln recently got a hefty serving of snow that left many a student knee-deep. For some, this amounted to an inconvenient walk from the dorm to class, but for others, a dangerous drive to campus had to be taken on the daily. Thankfully, these drives didn’t last long thanks to the many snowplow operators diligently working for the city. Fishtailing into a snow bank was a thing of the past as thanks to the workers of the department of transportation, my tires got to kiss that sweet, sweet pavement once again.
Though we get to enjoy the fruits of their labor, the workers often had to plow from the crack of dawn until the late hours of the night. Such working conditions take their toll and because I appreciate what they do so much, I’m starting a movement to make sure they never have to do this again. Going forward, I hope you’ll join me in increasing the amount of carbon dioxide that we emit into the atmosphere so that we prevent these snowy conditions going forward. You may think this is difficult, but I already got the first step done for you by taking the catalytic converter off of your car! No seriously, go check because it’s not there.
Next on the agenda, we all have to start driving a lot more even when you don’t feel like it; it takes everyone to make a difference. Even if you’re just doing donuts or revving your engine in the parking lot — every little bit of air pollution counts.
If you are short an automobile, you can help by making sure to ignore the colors on any garbage receptacles and just throw your trash wherever you please. Even better, just make a burn pile and throw all of your plastics into it. Sorry ozone layer, U-Fam is on the job! Finally and perhaps the most important step, contact any local government officials and pledge your support to fracking over the Ogallala aquifer just to go that extra mile. Then with your fracking profits, go buy surplus hairspray and just put those suckers on full blast.
If you care about our overworked snow plowers as much as I do, you’ll make sure that they get to take it easy for the next couple of years. According to my (entirely scientific) calculations, if we manage to complete all these steps, December of 2025 will be a toasty 84 degrees. Mele Kalikimaka, am I right? So U-Fam, will you take the “Mason’s Incredible Greenhouse Gas Pledge?” I know I’m gonna start now. Come see me in the parking lot if you have any questions!
By Mason Piva