Union College moves out of Nebraska

In a recent board meeting, Union administrators voted to move the college out of Nebraska. The decision was made due to concerns that the squirrels, who have long resided on campus and are therefore familiar with Union’s operations, have started to organize themselves to take over the college. According to one administrator, the squirrels “have shifty eyes.” 

Therefore, it is necessary to move as far away from the Nebraska squirrels as possible, but there is one hiccup—administrators do not know which state Union should move to. Here are the criteria for the new state. 

Union cannot move to any state with too many hills. Administrators worry that Union students, who are used to miles of flatness, will get altitude sickness if they move to non-flat states. Due to Nebraskan’s increased risk for altitude sickness, 9/10 doctors recommend that they stay away from states with hills and mountains. 

A Union student recounted their experience with a small hill, “One time I saw a mountain and got nauseated.” 

The new state also cannot be near too much water. Because Nebraska is a landlocked state, students in Nebraska fear the ocean and are extremely wary of large bodies of water. Therefore, any state on the coast, near an estuary, or close to the great lakes is out of the question.  

The most important criterion is that the new state must have corn fields, which are comforting to Union students. One student said, “I often drive by the corn for hours just to relax. It’s nice to know the corn will always be there.” 

According to one survey, 93% of Union students rank corn fields as their favorite scenery and 90% would not go to a college that was not near corn fields. Due to this data, Union administrators have decided that finding a state with corn fields is their number one priority. 

Although administrators are still debating which state the college should move to, one thing is abundantly clear—Union College will not be moving to Washington State.  

This is because Washington is home to numerous mountains (including Mount. Rainier, the fifth tallest mountain in the U.S. outside of Alaska) and is so hilly that Union students would instantly become sick; it is not only on the west coast but also home to the Puget sound, which is the second largest estuary in the United States, and would therefore be too scary; and Washington does not grow near enough corn to make Union students feel at home. 

Best of luck to administrators as they make this very important decision and to Union students as they fend off all those squirrels.  

This piece was written as part of the first annual satire swap between Seventh-day Adventist university student newspapers. Walla Walla University’s newspaper, The Collegian, wrote this piece for Union College’s newspaper, The Clocktower. 

By Ashley Herber, editor-in-chief of The Collegian