The Tesla phone: Just how far will Elon Musk go?

A video leaked in 2021 showing renderings of a highly functional smartphone from the popular electric vehicle manufacturer owned by Elon Musk. Several ideas have floated around. Connectivity on Mars. Starlink service from satellites. Maybe even Neuralink integration.

But there is a reason that we haven’t heard about it – the Tesla phone – just yet. A hint comes to us in the form of a tweet from the celebrated billionaire Elon Musk in September 2020: “Definitely not. Smartwatches & phones are yesterday’s technology, Neuralinks are the future.”

He’s clearly thinking beyond smartphones.

Unconfirmed reports agree. Not much has been said in the news since the government has been preoccupied with the COVID-19 pandemic and covering the Ukraine crisis. That’s all about to change as we leave Omicron behind in an endemic state and hope to stop Putin in his tracks. 

A leaker has alerted several news outlets that applications have been submitted to the government for the first neural implant cellular device. It’s estimated that the device will be installed and activated in a half-hour surgery and Tesla plans to streamline the process with an all-in-one payment plan. Using the phone will be a breeze as you will no longer have to hold a phone to your ear, plug in earbuds or even take up much-needed pocket space. You’ll also be able to queue up your music just by thinking about it, participate in Discord voice rooms on the fly and even control your Tesla car.

However, the plan is headed for a stiff battle in Congress. While senators Joe Manchin and Mitt Romney are heralding the devices as “the future of connectivity,” staunch extremists on both sides of the aisle are vowing to pass legislation to block any such devices from appearing on the market. In a leaked video originally intended for staffers only, congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene declared that they will unite in opposing the device and will co-author a letter to President Biden denouncing the technology. AOC tearfully expressed how one wrong glitch could make her embarrassing tweets of the past “seem innocent in comparison to a haywire computer’s comments,” while MTG mournfully described how “embarrassed my kids will be when it offers to make Gestapo soup for potluck.” The two will appear on a joint livestream on YouTube and Rumble in the two networks’ first partnership in their bitter battle for success.

The Tesla phone will likely never see the light of day. But if opposition to the idea can bring two embittered politicians into unity, maybe the failed venture was worth it.

By Charles Metz