The Day the Phone Stood Still
Countdown to ExtTikction
Where were you(fam) on the night of 1/18/25?
I remember it like it was last weekend… laying on my bed, belly down of course, my warm bottle of milk next to me as I kicked my legs and giggled watching funny TikTok’s on my Motorolla Droid 4. Scrolling is my passion, my purpose, my Nirvana and tonight the For You Page was truly blessing my neurons with ample stimulation. Through all my bliss truly how could I have known that my next scroll… would be my last.
I used all 1.5 centimeters of my thumb to powerfully swipe my screen upwards as I had watched the previous TikTok for a whopping 12 seconds and my head was starting to hurt from the intense focus. Then I saw him, the Rizzler in all his bulbous glory and who was that nex to him? Big Aj and Big Justice (Costco Guys) my beloved! My friends were all here with me and they were singing a song so sweet that a single tear rolled down my cheek which I quickly slurped up. This video had it all, drama, romance, mystery and above all else, comedy!
Just as I thought it couldn’t get any better, the Rizzler hit the Griddy. I clutched my chest as my heartrate skyrocketed to 250 and my eyes bulged from their sockets. The milk I was drinking shot out of my nose at mach 6 and I laughed so hard that a noise complaint was issued. With a video that good, I knew the next few would give me a needed break from the onslaught of hilarity. I went to scroll once again but then… tragedy. Tiktok is no longer availible in the US? This couldn’t be, no no no please say it isn’t so; take me instead! Quickly I took a screenshot and posted it to my social media as I’m sure everyone was really interested in seeing the message that they had already seen a million times.
The cry I crode was one for the ages. I fell to my knees in a puddle of milk and tears as I beat my fists into the ground. TikTok was gone forever and with it, my escape from this bitter reality. Life would forever be changed and there was nothing we could do. Oh nevermind its back.
by Mason Piva